your standard was too high, they said

they said i have my own standards,

of living

of having

of loving.

it was too high that many could not reach.

instead of making me happy, i turn out to be mad of people who could not satisfy that.

do people live for their life these days?

i mean, yes every people should have their own standard, their own happiness. but there are no higher standard one from another, it was just the number that was different.

because I've seen people who didn't have much standard for 1 thing, but had a long-list for other thing.

for example, when it goes for eating, i, myself didn't have long-list for what i should eat, as long as it was not spicy, but it was different for others, they will consider the place, the menu, even the calories or other stuffs.

this way of thinking also work for other cases. i mean, yes, i do have lots of standard for relating with people, i should know the person i met, at least their basic traits, i should know that they trust me, i should let them know that i also trust them, i ask lots of silly question, i hope that they'll do the same too, i gave them gifts to make them know that i do care a lot, that was how i show my caring, and when it didn't come to my standard, i do feel disappointed.

and it was normal!

the same goes when you have a long-list for eating, and you couldn't find a match place/menu to eat. you do feel disappointed, right?

every single person have their own standard, and it was not wrong to have clash of our strandards. it could made us know, what we should tolerate.

when my standards became your burden, and you gave up easily without telling me what happen, I'm pretty sure i was so silly to think that it was my fault.

cause, I also live for myself.

i didn't see your standard as a burden, nor seeing that as a silly thing to do.

cause everybody has their own standard, my goal is to make sure that i could at least respect that, not changing that.

thank you for seeing me as a giant that full of thoughts and demands. please change your perspective and otherwise, see me as a whole.

almost the wheel of the year..

I've passed that crossroad, have bitten that apple, got stuck in those room of mirrors and finally found a way out of this labyrinth.

daytime became daydream, and midnight become nightmare.

I'm going to that wal-night now..

numb

i'm not fully happy, but i smile

i'm not fully sad, so I hold my tears

i don't have many assignment, but i'm feeling exhausted

i do live every second of my life, but i feel empty

i still talk, but i feel lonely

i still have friends, and sometimes with my inner-self

i listen to music, and it drives me with happy and sad moments

i still eat, even just to fill my appetite

i do appreciate myself, for surviving these far

am okei, cuma mati rasa siki

landslide

I do afraid of changes.

I've built my life around you.

mirror

i saw a little silhouette of a man.

standing right in front of himself.

standing still.

not moving.

just gazing through himself.

he's holding onto something.

in the palm of his hand.

it was a fist.

seems like he'll throw it right in front of himself.

to his-self.

i tried to stop him.

even i know i can't.

and it hurt to feel that way.

"why are you hurting yourself?"

and that last question left us four,

standing there,

without answer.

whisper

someone whispered through tue night,

i'm not sure if it was angel or demon,

but now I realize,

every single thing, wasn't meant forever, except one thing.

when you wasn't sure for something, sure you won't be something you wanna be, even when words could be, but words will only be words, without real acts.

it could be as sweet as honey, but please, bees took nectar from flower and fertilize it. 

but you took the good from me and left me afterwards.

fever

i felt hot, but suddenly cold.

i could feel my power, but then i broke my knees down.

i laugh so hard, and i stare blankly at the wall,

stop

crying

for something

out

of your

reach

you're dreaming.

you just had a fever, stupid.

summer rain

"you've got... a mail"

it's been rainy these days. so unpredictable cause it should be dry season coming up. truthfully, it was sweet, even though in the end, i know that this short-season soon will last.

it got me thinking..

i ask the sun,

what am i to you?

why you do this to me?

why can't you make decision?

it was hard being me, so were you.

we're trapped in this short-season. we try not to think that it surely soon will last.

the sweetness whisper of the wind that i could listen for hours.

the warm embrace that drive out coldness night.

the sound of water drop that could led me into the wildest dream.

it was all like a dream. yes, a dream, that could be over after one wake.

unless, you could stay a little longer.

unless, you chose to make me stay a little longer too.

i'll stay right here in the rain, hiding my sadness, waiting till the day sun will took its decision.

i hope it'll be in time, before the short-season's over.

icy decision

"you've got a mail!"

this is the story when you bit that apple.

the scent, the color, infuse all my grey decision.

the unsure feel haunts, but the endless dream keeping you awake.

it's calling.

nearer, nearer..

crowd

"you've got a mail!"

never in my life i would say that i hate being quiet, thoughtful and peace.

it was the best day of my life when i could bring my inner self out and being productive.

it was always best to rely on my truly self without getting hurt by the outside.

it was so great to have my own talk without being misunderstood and judged.

it was so relaxing when i know i won't overused my remaining battery for others businesses.

i was always hate the crowd.

it was..

until i found myself, craving for the crowd, in my crowded mind.

parallel

"you've got a mail!"

-We are revolving because we can't meet

We are like parallel lines

No way, we will meet ...... -

Sometimes, it's the song you've listened the most that speak harder than words come out from mouth.

If only, I could run through time, I will hold you and never let you go.

Will you wait?

sad truth

"you've got a mail"

i've heard someone said 

"some things never changed", but most of it do.

"some things didn't have the answer", and time reveals.

"some things need to be talked", but words flow through the silent kiss.

you can never know, if you don't try.

then, try your best! 

it's not always the outside that empowers you, it's the inside. 

the Ace card you've been looking for. take it, and finish the game.

be brave

honesty

"you've got a mail"

hello.

this is Dave.

it's always been Dave actually that wrote all these letters here, but i'm just wanna make sure that you know that this is the real Dave that share these random talks here. that does mean, i trust you, even i don't know who you are.

trusting someone you don't know was silly right? you don't even know that they could build either hurt you, but you still give your best to them. it was so silly.

just like trusting someone with all your heart, hoping that they will do the same to you, and if that was hard to follow, at least just appreciate that by taking these things seriously. see that as the greatest gift he could do, more than goods, money, even time that he could give.

human was not naturally born with honesty, we do have sin, wo sure had been broken. being honest needs effort. and should be trained. personally, i start with the little things, doing my tasks by myself, do tests by myself even i know i won't pass it, saying i'm late when i was late, even for the simplest thing like saying what my mind say even it would hurt somebody.

i was not perfect. i TRY my best to change. i was not good enough. i'm trying.

i'm just, silly.

choices

"you've got a mail!"

i see a small dot, on a white screen.

i try to get rid of it, but it turns out to be a line.

i try to hide it by adding another line, but it becomes a picture.

i try to hide it, but it already be messy.

i try to stop and get back. but i can't. i already choose to get rid of it.

you think you've passed it. you think you'll fix it. you think you have become consistent. you think it would turn out fine one day.

as soon as you realize, the snowball is coming for you.

run.

please don't b...egone

"you've got a mail!"

13.06 (calculating the time passed)

3 years, 8 months, 5 days had gone.
the last time i knew, i was sitting on that chair, and writing a mail to myself. a note. self reminder. never thought it will be the last before this.

i do live. i do died. inside. i do try new things. i do fail. i succeed. i learn new things. i gave love. i do receive betrayal. i dance. i sing. i run. so far and haven't come back. i do care. i do missing something. i start something. i learn. i got stuck. i end something. i cry. i laugh. i feel embarrassed. i do random things. i end up something. i fell. i stop. i found something. i trust. i do. and i realize,

i'll rise again.

you don't know how much you love it, until you lose it.
you don't know how much they care, until you  gone.

13.23 (setting up the alarm, making sure i'll be back)

davestevekandey