your standard was too high, they said

they said i have my own standards,

of living

of having

of loving.

it was too high that many could not reach.

instead of making me happy, i turn out to be mad of people who could not satisfy that.

do people live for their life these days?

i mean, yes every people should have their own standard, their own happiness. but there are no higher standard one from another, it was just the number that was different.

because I've seen people who didn't have much standard for 1 thing, but had a long-list for other thing.

for example, when it goes for eating, i, myself didn't have long-list for what i should eat, as long as it was not spicy, but it was different for others, they will consider the place, the menu, even the calories or other stuffs.

this way of thinking also work for other cases. i mean, yes, i do have lots of standard for relating with people, i should know the person i met, at least their basic traits, i should know that they trust me, i should let them know that i also trust them, i ask lots of silly question, i hope that they'll do the same too, i gave them gifts to make them know that i do care a lot, that was how i show my caring, and when it didn't come to my standard, i do feel disappointed.

and it was normal!

the same goes when you have a long-list for eating, and you couldn't find a match place/menu to eat. you do feel disappointed, right?

every single person have their own standard, and it was not wrong to have clash of our strandards. it could made us know, what we should tolerate.

when my standards became your burden, and you gave up easily without telling me what happen, I'm pretty sure i was so silly to think that it was my fault.

cause, I also live for myself.

i didn't see your standard as a burden, nor seeing that as a silly thing to do.

cause everybody has their own standard, my goal is to make sure that i could at least respect that, not changing that.

thank you for seeing me as a giant that full of thoughts and demands. please change your perspective and otherwise, see me as a whole.

almost the wheel of the year..

I've passed that crossroad, have bitten that apple, got stuck in those room of mirrors and finally found a way out of this labyrinth.

daytime became daydream, and midnight become nightmare.

I'm going to that wal-night now..

numb

i'm not fully happy, but i smile

i'm not fully sad, so I hold my tears

i don't have many assignment, but i'm feeling exhausted

i do live every second of my life, but i feel empty

i still talk, but i feel lonely

i still have friends, and sometimes with my inner-self

i listen to music, and it drives me with happy and sad moments

i still eat, even just to fill my appetite

i do appreciate myself, for surviving these far

am okei, cuma mati rasa siki

landslide

I do afraid of changes.

I've built my life around you.

mirror

i saw a little silhouette of a man.

standing right in front of himself.

standing still.

not moving.

just gazing through himself.

he's holding onto something.

in the palm of his hand.

it was a fist.

seems like he'll throw it right in front of himself.

to his-self.

i tried to stop him.

even i know i can't.

and it hurt to feel that way.

"why are you hurting yourself?"

and that last question left us four,

standing there,

without answer.

whisper

someone whispered through tue night,

i'm not sure if it was angel or demon,

but now I realize,

every single thing, wasn't meant forever, except one thing.

when you wasn't sure for something, sure you won't be something you wanna be, even when words could be, but words will only be words, without real acts.

it could be as sweet as honey, but please, bees took nectar from flower and fertilize it. 

but you took the good from me and left me afterwards.

fever

i felt hot, but suddenly cold.

i could feel my power, but then i broke my knees down.

i laugh so hard, and i stare blankly at the wall,

stop

crying

for something

out

of your

reach

you're dreaming.

you just had a fever, stupid.